tag; zoey.  

whoah. the doors were spinning. but not as if he was sitting on a spinning carousel. it was just a bit dizzy and foggy. anyhow. next to him was bianca or something similarly and deliciously exotic and she was leaning on his shoulder. he was barely able to keep himself up, when all he wanted to do was to sit down and nod off for a minute or a gazillion. ‘’come on, girlie, just stay awake for five minutes longer,’’ he tried to keep her stable as they waited in front of the villa’s door. he wasn’t even thinking reasonably. he should’ve just dropped her there in front of the doors and run away as fast as humanly possible. he would probably trip over a fichus or a car or something similarly absurd, but at least he would be making a serious attempt to keep away from her. but fichus’ don’t grow outside right? the lights turned on inside the house and the girl next to him let out a giggle. how did he end up with her, he didn’t know. but she was a good kisser. and talented with her hands, which was always a bonus. the doors opened in front of them and he didn’t even need to push her inside. she just stumbled along past the brunette on the door. he went after her and stopped when inside. ‘’she’s drunk. she lost her keys. sorry for waking you up. that was her doing,’’ he tried to sober up his voice when he turned towards zoey. the girl tripped somewhere on the stairs, but otherwise it seemed she was making a climb to her room. he had no intent to follow her. ‘’do you always open the door in the middle of the night?’’ he asked nonchalantly and tried to stand still without swaying into different directions. ‘’I need to sit down?’’

while his date for the night was stumbling over the stairs and trying to climb up to her bedroom, he was left standing there in front of her. he really did try to look everywhere else but at her and yet his eyes somehow ended right there. ‘’oh, it’s no trouble at all,’’ he shrugged and the girl in question giggled on her way to bed. ‘’don’t worry, z. I took great care of him, didn’t I jem?’’ she giggled and giggled on and even hiccupped somewhere along the way. okay, so that was some information his ex didn’t need to have. ‘’good night, bianca!’’ he raised his voice a bit too much and then quickly pressed his finger over his lips to keep himself quiet before zoey could scold him for being loud in her villa. ‘’well, that’s understandable. she’s very loud,’’ he nodded before he could stop himself and realized he couldn’t make this worse even if he wanted to. the ground beneath him was still slightly spinning even though he was keeping himself from falling over his own feet. ‘’you just happened to be awake?’’ he repeated after her with a confused look on his face. why on earth would someone be awake at this ungodly hour? it was almost morning. what? ‘’were you somewhere? like on a date. but you’re not dressed for a date. so you mustn’t have been on a date. where were you?’’ he started and staggered towards those cozy stairs. ‘’well, of course I’m drunk. it’s saturday night. morning. it’s no… it’s sunday morning,’’ he waved his hand around trying to identify the day. if he went out on a saturday night, then now it was sunday morning. good job, jem, good job. humiliate yourself some more, this wasn’t nearly enough.  he sat down on the stairs and suddenly there was a tea cup in his hands. ‘’this is tea?’’ he said looking at the cup. ‘’I don’t need tea, zoey,’’ he tried to give it back to her but her words stopped him. so he raised the cup and smelled the beverage. ‘’I see,’’ he muttered but put the tea down on one of the stairs. bianca was long gone. probably passed out in her bed. ‘’should I go up with her? make sure she… fell on the bed and not somewhere else?’’ he tried to make it sound as innocent as possible. but he knew. he was testing her.

‘’I’m worse. I’m the worst,’’ he distractedly nodded with a sour look in his eyes. he was now looking somewhere to the distance, at no particular point. the stairs were comfortable though. very. he could easily fall down the stairs and meanwhile find a nice sleeping position. like a sloth. weren’t sloths the once that had the ability to fall asleep in the most disturbing weird poses? he could totally be a sloth. ‘’I’m sorry. I’ll keep quite. like a little little tiny mouse. although I really don’t resemble a mouse. you probably think I’m a rat. you probably don’t like me at all. I’m not a mouse,’’ he then looked back at zoey, who was sitting there beside him. which she shouldn’t be doing. ‘’you took him to your room?’’ he frowned, not completely understanding. she must be serious with this guy then, otherwise there was no chance in hell she would take him to her room just like that. ‘’well… you always look beautiful…’’ he sighed: ‘’you should go back to him, then.’’ he should get up then and gracefully leave the premises, find a bed to sleep it, be a sloth in that bed and not on her staircase. he frowned again when he noticed the cynic note in her voice. ‘’oh. you were being sarcastic? oh. okay. so there is no date? your room is guys-free?’’ he was now plainly staring at her. which was hard not to do. he was used to looking at her, how her hair surrounded her face. her full lips that were usually all rosy. her eyes that were all sorts of dreamy. ‘’I already drank a ton of stuff. thanks to bianca, she’s a fan of jello shots. and body shots. and she’s so boring,’’ he commented on the tea, he had no plans to drink it. it might make him lose the whole consumption of the evening. no need to throw up on her stairs. ‘’nothing will happen to me. I live almost next door. plus. it’s not appropriate for me to be here. well, with you,’’ he pointed towards her and then leaned back on his elbows, closing his eyes because everything was still all sorts of dizzy. he wasn’t sure what to do with the tone that followed. it was so unlike her. ‘’what do you care? it’s not like you want me anymore, not like I mean anything. I can go fuck however I want, even if it’s one of your sorority sisters. everyone knows I already screwed half of them, so what difference does it make?’’ he wasn’t angry or upset, his voice was just painfully cold and suddenly quite sober: ‘’I can’t be around you if you’re with someone else, okay? so yeah. walk away. whatever. it’s not like I deserve your company.’’ she was already standing up, whatever. really, just whatever.

‘’rats are awful, zoey,’’ he murmured not very pleased that she was ready to settle with him being a rat. rats smelled and they were sneaky and transmitted diseases. all in all they were quite despicable. ‘’no. I didn’t mean like me like that…’’ he looked up but didn’t offer any further explanations. he wasn’t in any position to do that. ‘’it doesn’t matter. forget the whole rodents issues. I’m drunk I’m not making any sense, so just forget it,’’ he waved his hand around, but he was starting to sober up slowly. at a very snail-like speed, but sobering up nonetheless. ‘’hah. I’m drunk and I’m here. again. this is hilarious. I mean it’s not. it’s really sad and pathetic. booze apparently connects me to my ex-girlfriend. who is now taken and who I should stay away from. but what the hell, I’m sitting on her staircase and I’m talking to her about me being a rat,’’ he tried to keep his voice down but his body was shaking with laughter as all of it came crashing back to him. he was breaking his promise and this was even worse than drunk-dialing her. he was drunk-visiting her. was it possible that he walked bianca home just because he hoped he’ll see zoey? the chances of it actually happening were slim, but… fuck, it all seemed as destiny. ‘’okay. I like the fact that your room is guys-free,’’ he calmed down slowly and nodded intensely and rapidly. guys-free. that was good. ‘’but who is he?’’ he then asked, dropping his gaze down to his lap: ‘’the guy you’re with?’’ he didn’t really want to know the answer but yet he just had to know.

‘’it’s not because of that. see. you’re being completely oblivious to everything again,’’ he sighed and noticed he got her all upset again. which weren’t his intentions at all. ‘’don’t provoke me like this. I’m trying to behave and I’m trying to be proper when it comes to you. trying to keep my mouth shut really tight and I suck at it. and you’re still not getting it. but I can’t explain this to you. because you’re with someone. and I have no right to say those things,’’ he tried to be calm and steady but she was standing up and she seemed to be pretty pissed. he didn’t even do anything. he was just having a conversation with her. but he was very much honest, maybe that was what tickled her pickle. pickle, hah. ‘’trust me, I know,’’ he laughed them when she called him a jerk. it wasn’t as if he heard that one for the first time. however she managed to throw him under a very cold shower the next moment. it made him quickly jump up to his feet, his hand demanding a support from the staircase fence. ‘’what are you talking about?’’ he erupted. ‘’did you matter to me? did I want you? are you really asking me such idiotic things?’’ he went on and he honestly couldn’t believe she simply turned everything around. that was nowhere near to what he said. ‘’I loved you! of course you fucking mattered. do you think I would be here humiliating myself if I wouldn’t want you? fuck, zoey!’’ the voice could have a bigger effect if he cried them out, but he had to keep his tone down to not wake the whole villa. ‘’hug me? you want to hug me?’’ he scoffed, somehow entertained by this. ‘’well I want to kiss you, so the joke’s on me.’’

he wasn’t in the right state to have a philosophical discussion about differences and similarities between human race and rodents. ‘’eh,’’ he just muttered, leaving the problematic issue open to debate in near future. he would love to see her more often. of course he would. he wouldn’t mind seeing her every few hours even if they wouldn’t talk. just as long as he… saw her. he was starting to be pathetic. this was borderline utter stupidity. ‘’I can’t stop drinking. drinking keeps me sane. and keeps me in my writing mood. nothing better than drink yourself up with a few glasses of whiskey and then write your ass off in your room,’’ he had to disagree with her. ‘’however I rarely actually end up in my room. unless. well. sometimes I do end up in my room, but then I end up in my bed. where I can’t reach the computer, so, it sucks,’’ he was seemingly having this discussion with himself, although he knew she was listening. she was always listening to all of his gibberish even though he tended to be boring as hell or made no sense. because zoey grimes was great like that. she listened and she consoled. she did her best to help anyone anywhere at any time. she was a keeper. and he lost her. dumbass. ‘’please, don’t call me adorable… or anything positive at all,’’ he turned his gaze away from her as she made a completely innocent comment. if she would give him a compliment, he would give her ten back. and then he would start talking and talking and in general, it wouldn’t end well. he would say too much. ‘’it always is,’’ he made a face at her when she refused to give him a name. it’s not as if he’ll go screaming it around. ‘’you used to trust me,’’ there was a slight trace of mockery in his voice. but it wasn’t centered at her, it was centered straight back at him. ‘’don’t. it’s better if I don’t know. I don’t need to know anything about you and your love life. they’re your business. have nothing to do with me anymore,’’ he raised his hands up as if stopping her. he really didn’t need to know where she was spending her nights, or better yet, with whom.

now he just stared back. the fact she even had to ask that question was enough. ‘’to everything. you’re oblivious to everything. I’m calling you because I fucking miss you and not because I’m trying to mess with your head,’’ the reply was out before he managed to stop himself. that’s what alcohol will do to you – make your tongue lax and unable to command. these things just slipped. ‘’because you’re with someone, I have to stop. because you are with someone, you belong to them and you have no business to even be anywhere near me. not when I can’t even think straight when I’m near you,’’ it all now resembled a ping pong game, she was giving as good as she got. ‘’and I ignored you because it was easier. it was okay at first when I came here. I had nyah and college life was wonderful. it was okay for a year. then you show up here and I can’t think about anything else than about how goddamn perfect you are. and beautiful. and just you. so I start to miss you and then I call you and I’m a stupid selfish jerk for doing all of that,’’ he stood up, slightly raised above her, one step higher. ‘’it doesn’t matter now, does it?’’ the words were carefully calculated. none of it mattered because she was with someone and that someone was most certainly not him. ‘’no,’’ he said without any hesitation. no hugs. no touching. no fucking anything.

‘’no, I’m making perfect sense. you just don’t get it,’’ he wasn’t ready to break and accept whatever it was she was saying. he was talking about drinking and how it enabled him to write. the side effects were messy but so was basically every single thing in this godforsaken life of his. ‘’if you are so secretive when it comes to this relationship of yours… did you maybe think that it’s wrong them? if you can’t go around and shove your happiness into everyone’s faces?’’ he was looking at her now so tensely, trying to memorize every single twitch. something was very wrong with the person she was supposedly dating, otherwise there would never be so much secrecy involved. besides, she was an open book most of the time, also with people she didn’t know that well. it was a part of who she was, warm and open and all sunshine and butterflies. ‘’there’s something awfully suspicious about this guys of yours,’’ he shared his opinion out loud and just shook his head. ‘’I just hope you know what you’re doing. you don’t have the best judgment when it comes to men. me being your ex is an obvious proof of that. people always told you, you shouldn’t be involved with me. I guess they were right,’’ he had the guts to make a mockery out of himself. things between them were supposed to end up a good note. he screwed it up by being a sappy ex-boyfriend.

‘’I’m trying to get you out of my head, okay. and then I always screw it up, because I’m so pathetic that I keep calling you just to hear your voice,’’ confessions were so easily spilled out now that he started making them. the first one was hard and he had to force it out, but now he could talk until morning came. about how much he misses her and how they should be back together, because she should give him, them, another fucking chance. ‘’and I’m probably abusing the fact that you never turn your back on anyone and you won’t turn it on me either,’’ he admitted, nodding to himself. his eyes shot up straight to hers and he stood up. ‘’well, great, zoey. that’s real great. I’m happy you moved on,’’ he tried to make his tone as calm as possible, but the words were clipped and forced, the smile one big fat lie. ‘’forget it,’’ he then gritted out. ‘’what I have with nyah is not the same as what we had. it’s fucked up. and with you, I was different. I was better,’’ he was pointing back at himself as if there was an obvious evidence of this somewhere beneath his chest, right there at the place where his heart was. ‘’you still don’t get it… I’m not blaming you. I’m blaming myself. and you just added a dozen of new issues to a big pile of my guilt. but… you’re right. I… I will stop. you’ve set an excellent example – I’ll move on and forget all about you,’’ without further ado he stepped around her and rushed down the stairs. this was going on for far too long. this was it. he won’t come close to her until she would actually want to have him back. ‘’make yourself a new cup of tea, that one’s cold by now,’’ were his words of goodbye as he slammed the door behind his back on his way out.