tag; hazel.

last week resembled a complete madhouse. it was as if everything decided to go wrong at once. he spend on night at noelle's after driving her drunken mind home again and he wasn't sure what exactly happened. eva was still very much present at the back of his mind and the date he had with spencer now appeared to be completely out of reason. he sat on his stool for the last hour and silently pondered through his notes. hazel was sitting by his side but he hadn’t mutter more than a simple short clipped ‘hello’ to her. he gave her a script and pointed to what they’ll be doing, but afterwards he got lost inside his own head. he wasn’t even concentrating on what exactly he was doing, he just mechanically went through every single action and occasionally scribbled down something into his notebook. gibberish mostly. he made a deep sigh from time to time, but that was it. he rested his pen down and leaned slightly back. he pulled the sample out under the lens and then the inexplicable and unimaginable happened. he dropped it. he dropped the sample to the ground where the glass shattered into pieces. ‘’fucking great,’’ he murmured under his breath without any real emotion and just stood up to take care of the mess. he didn’t even look at her as he stubbornly started to sweep everything together. he just lost weeks-worth-of work and stayed completely detached. ‘’I’m just – I’ll clean up. go home. thank you for coming today.’’

he should be really pissed at himself for dropping the sample like that. however he felt nothing. it seemed that this was happening to someone else, someone that wasn’t him. he was just a casual objective observer and the sample had nothing to do with him. ‘’I’m fine,’’ he answered to her question and tried to wave her away, but she was already kneeling beside him and trying to gather all the bits and pieces. ‘’you shouldn’t touch them, you’ll cut and hurt yourself,’’ he sighed without making a real attempt to shoo her away and make her leave. it was his voice. it was way too detached and monotonous to be convincing. it was a voice used by boring professors who only cite and cite and read from their books and cite some more. ‘’just leave it, hazel, okay?’’ his voice now turned a bit louder as he gathered some pieces on his hand and threw them to the nearest trash can. he crouched back down to the floor and tried to carefully sweep them all into one small tiny pile. when she blurted something out his motions became slower, very deliberate. he didn’t answer at first, not until all the pieces were swept together. ‘’I don’t want to be rude or anything but that’s none of your fucking business,’’ the f-word escaped him and due to the slip he gave out another sigh. ‘’would you mind explaining how come you know all about my love life and seem to have it all figured out when even I don’t know what the hell is going on? I can imagine how you know about eva… she’s in your sorority. but I don’t understand what noelle, who’s my best friend and nothing else by the way, has anything to do with this?’’ it all came out at once even when he tried to pace himself down. ‘’there’s nothing to talk about. at least not with you.’’

whatever he thought would come out of her mouth it wasn’t that. now he was just mildly-put staring back at her, trying to decipher what she meant. ‘’eva is your best friend?’’ was his first question, although in his head a hundred of others erupted as soon as he asked the first one. he was impatient like that, always needed to have all the answers. puzzles bugged him. right now, hazel was a puzzle. he already had a picture of her in his mind – a picture of a smart girl, a bit shy, too pretty for her own good. but now it was as if she never was any of that. ‘’you didn’t think of telling me this sooner?’’ in a way it wasn’t fair, that he was putting the blame for who-knows-what on her. right now, he was just pissed that he had no idea what the hell was going on. ‘’I broke her heart? are you for real?’’ he almost gasped when the words finally sank in. ‘’if I remember correctly, and I’m pretty sure that I do,’ then she was the one who broke up with me a few months ago. she was the one who told me to walk away and that it was over. it was her decision. and no one in their right mind would blame me for that. I was the one made redundant, not her. so don’t say nonsense like that,’’ he went on and at her words started to nod immediately. this was none of her business, she was right. yet she has put herself right in the middle of it, when she mentioned. ‘’it doesn’t matter if I’m destroying anything. apparently I’m just that kind of a person – I break people’s hearts, I break samples, I constantly prove to you that I really am a shitty person and someone not worth keeping… this… you…’’ he lost the red thread and then frowned upon her. stay away from him. ‘’stay away. yes. you should. I guess you should. if you think you should stay away, then you definitely should,’’ his words were clipped and not exactly gentle: ‘’then why the fuck are you here today?’’

‘’yeah, you should. you should’ve told me you know her and not by just randomly asking me if I’m upset because of my ex-girlfriend,’’ he insisted and started to shake his head from side to side. she didn’t get it all. perhaps he was a little naïve. thinking that maybe this laboratory sessions were actually a good hanging out spot. when she was apparently silently judging him all this time. ‘’but you must have known for a while,’’ he had no plans to back out. ‘’it’s… it doesn’t even matter, does it? we’re nothing. we’re not even friends, it’s nonsense to even discuss this with you,’’ he raised himself up, leaving the pieces on floor as he waved his hand towards her to lay emphasis on the ‘you’ part. ‘’I’m stubborn? what are you still doing here, then? I told you to leave ten minutes ago and you’re still here,’’ it was amazing how she, also, had the ability to raise her voice and it seemed so out of character for her it was almost ridiculous. ‘’I have some clue why she did it. it was about noelle and it was pure bullshit. instead of talking to me about it, she decided to believe whatever rumour was going around at the time and broke up with me because of it,’’ he answered and gathered from his voice it was obvious this appalled him. noelle was always there, yes. but it was logical since they were friends since childhood. nothing happened between them , though. never. there was that first kiss but neither one of them thought much about it. at least she didn’t. ‘’she’s not the victim here, okay? neither am I. but I’m not the one responsible for the break-up. that’s on her,’’ he looked away from her. why was he discussing this with her again? really? someone should cover his mouth with duct tape. he knew why, though. he didn’t want her to think badly of him. ‘’right,’’ he nodded without being much convinced about her words. ‘’you can’t hang out with me if you two are… best friends. I don’t think she would like it.’’

right now he was sending daggers he way. ‘’and there you go, apologizing again. why don’t you just say thinks that you mean and leave it at that? why apologize for speaking out?’’ he suddenly blurted out and it now seemed he was attacking her directly. which was beyond stupid. he liked her the way she was – blushing, whispering and all rosy. ‘’it seems that every time you say a bad harsh thing you felt the need to make it up to that person. well guess what, hazel – you don’t have to. you don’t have to be the quiet sweet girl in the corner,’’ he made a step closer somewhere along his speech. he just wanted her to see herself the way everyone else saw her. everyone was absolutely mesmerized. it was enough to be in her company for mere five minutes and you were done. she was engraved inside of your mind. he was sure he wasn’t the only one who felt this way. it was simply impossible not to like her. ‘’I’m saying that we… we’re an acquaintance. nothing more,’’ he nodded despite everything and felt like even a bigger jerk when seeing the hurt in her eyes. they probably were friends. very not-normal friends who geeked over cells together, but still. ‘’yes – whatever I say. I’m sick of everyone blaming this on me. it’s not my fault,’’ his insistence was now slightly weaker, his tone quieter. he leaned himself on the edge of the counter and shook his head: ‘’it has everything to do with her…’’ because bringing eva into the equation changed everything. ‘’I don’t want that. but I also don’t want you to be put one day into a position where you have to pick sides. I know whose you’re going to pick. it’s not about that. it’s just. if you’re eva’s friend then… ‘’ he started a new sentence and quickly shut his mouth tightly. he told her before, just last week – if there was no eva and no noelle bullshit to deal with, then he would probably make a move. but her being eva’s friend... no, he would never act upon that now.

every reasonable part of him was fighting this conversation. it was absurd that he was picking on her this way and out of the bloom. the last few days were pretty blue, but that most certainly didn’t give him the right to take it all out on her. the rational part of him knew all that. but yet it was hard to keep his mouth shut, despite everything. ‘’you can still be a good person and speak up your mind,’’ he contradicted her once more and he knew that the ‘jerk’ part was in fact her finger pointing straight at him. ‘’then what exactly am I, hazel?’’ he asked: ‘’if I’m not an acquaintance, then what am I? I don’t know a thing about you, beside some basic info. you surely don’t know much about me, beside the fact that apparently I’m a heartbreaking jerk who likes to screw people over.’’ it was all coming out way harsher than it should, but maybe, just maybe, right not this was actually his intention. to bring her to the breaking point when she finally wouldn’t be the charming sweet girl anymore. it seemed to be working as she was stepping closer to him, directly in front. ‘’you don’t need to understand me,’’ he replied, marking her previous words. she liked him, yes, she wanted to be a friend of the ‘cells guy’. his mind was playing tricks on him, he was reading way too much into it. ‘’that what?’’ he couldn’t help himself but ask, when she stopped mid-sentence. he even made a step forward, which was risky since she was already way too close than ever before. he had to look down at her if he wanted to catch her eyes. but now she was spiteful and her words were venom. ‘’you shouldn’t,’’ he shrugged because it was the truth. she was looking to the right and he looked to the left: ‘’if she’s your best friend then we…’’ he was as bad as she was. stopping in the middle, making pauses. looking for directions. finally he took in a deep breath and the words were out: ‘’I can’t kiss you if my ex-girlfriend is your best friend. I can’t.’’

it seemed that he really did piss her off and those sweetness evaporated out of her eyes almost instantly. ‘’understand me?’’ he almost scoffed at her statement. there really wasn’t much to understand. yes, sometimes his actions appeared completely out-of-character, but they weren’t. he really did act irrational occasionally, when anything rational didn’t suffice. he tended to hurt other people’s feeling without meaning to. and often he didn’t waste much time, but simply went for what he wanted, despite being relatively patient person in general. in a way he was a walking contradiction but that was it. no other deeper hidden layers. ‘’there is nothing left to figure out. you already know it all, you’ve seen everything,’’ he said. she saw him being all cranky, she saw him laughing in the pool. looking from that perspective she knew all about him, most of people knew nothing at all.

he was so sure that she’ll be practically horrified. or will try to run away. but she still stood in front of him. he saw her lips moving and wasn’t completely when exactly did his eyes drop there. she asked him a question and though the answer popped up in his head in the matter of microseconds, he didn’t say it out loud. never got the chance. her hands were already yon his shoulders as she stepped up and her lips were already on his. without any warning. the shock passed as quickly as it came. he kissed her back, fully knowing that he shouldn’t. his arm was just about to gather her closer when she moved away, his lips instinctively following. a moment of separation passed, when he had the chance to see her flushed cheeks and sparkly eyes, then it happened all over again. his hands were finally on her waist, pulling her against him, his lips locked onto hers again. this wasn’t supposed to happen, this wasn’t intentional at all. this was exactly what he said shouldn’t and couldn’t happen. and yet it did. ‘’hazel,’’ he stopped with a groan and then his hands were pushing her gently but determinedly away. ‘’maybe you should leave now. before I do anything stupid,’’ he started to say, still looking at her puffed rosy lips: ‘’more. anything more stupid.’’

he really wanted to shake her and make her see that she was making something he was not. there was nothing beneath the almost cold exterior. and yet she was so sure that something was there behind, something that he’d been hiding from people. her belief alone could be alone to even make him believe that there really was something. but it wasn’t. and he had to get that inside her head. to make her not see him as a riddle she needs to sort. even though the roles could be just as likely reversed and he would be the one trying to get inside her head. right now he only cared about the soft blush he has put on her cheeks. how her eyelids fluttered and her lips trembled slightly in anticipation of another kiss. but he was holding her at an arm’s length and they were both trying to steady their erratic lungs. he was just starting to move his hands away from her waist when she said his name and her hand was lifting up. he wasn’t sure what was she doing, not even when her fingertip touched and slithered across his lower lip. ‘’hazel, please stop doing that,’’ he said, his lip touching the tip with every spoken sound. ‘’there’s… this shouldn’t have happened. I told you… she…’’ he couldn’t properly form that crucial sentence. couldn’t say her best friends name out loud. it wasn’t fair to neither of them. ‘’I didn’t plan this. at all. with you. these really were supposed to be just study sessions and you were supposed to leave when I dropped that sample to the floor. but you stayed. and then you get all mad and pissed and you still look incredibly beau… it shouldn’t have happened. you don’t want this. don’t need this.’’

‘’I’m not. it just shouldn’t have happened like this,’’ he quickly replied, because she was completely misinterpreting his words. it was great. the kiss was amazing. she was absolutely beautiful and wonderful and a dozen other things all combined into one package he most certainly didn’t deserve. ‘’I have so many loose ends with people. and they need to be tied before starting anything…’’ he decided that honesty was the best approach. ‘’I told you last time – I’m in a very complicated situation. and I’m not just talking about eva,’’ he continued and he refused to move his hands away from her waist, even though she was trying to put some distances between them. ‘’you weren’t a mistake. you couldn’t possibly be,’’ he insisted, trying to make her see the truth. but now she was really settling into her false belief that he was regretting everything. ‘’no…’’ he started and then let go of her when turning around to the counter and starting to get all of his things onto one pile. ‘’I just have to take care of a few things,’’ he tried to explain what exactly was he doing as he put everything inside of his bag. it looked like he was running away, making an escape. ‘’I’ll… I’ll call you. I just have to take care of things and then I’ll call you and we’ll talk. and maybe you’ll change your mind and realize that I’m really not much of a… person,’’ he finally zipped his bag up and hooked the strap over his shoulder. in a matter of seconds he was beside her, his lips brushing over the soft skin of the corner of her lips: ‘’and you weren’t a mistake. I mean it.’’ and then he was walking away, laboratory’s door closing behind him.