podzavestno je začela s seznama dejavnosti črtati druženje z ljudmi, prijatelje, znance, vse se je premaknilo na dno seznama, na vrh pa je skočilo delo za šolo. pa ne, ker bi si averie grebatorsko želela dobrih rezultatov, ugleda pred profesorji ali ker bi sledila svojim sanjam, temveč predvsem zato, ker je le zakopana v delo uspela odmisliti vse dogodke, ki so se zgodili v preteklih dneh. zdelo se je, kot da jo je nekdo raztrgal kot punčko iz cunj in sedaj je svoje dele poskušala zašiti nazaj, zakrpati luknje in na vzven ustvariti lutko, ki bi izgledala prav takšna, kot je bila nekoč. ni smela dovoliti, da bi otroci, ki se bodo naslednji igrali z njo, skozi šive videli kukati penasto polnilo. in svoje življenje je krpala dobesedno tako. s šivanjem, pletenjem, rezanjem in prekladanjem živobarvnega blaga na leseni mizi, ki ji je podpirala komolce, na katerih je slonela njena glava. z desno roko se je poigravala s pramenom las, ki je visel na njenem čelu in čakala na neko noro idejo, ki bi uspela popestriti njeno novo kreacijo. sošolka japonskega rodu je pred nekaj minutami nejevoljno zapustila sobo in tako je averie ob tej pozni popoldanski uri sama ždela v studiju, obdana z nešteto mislimi, ki so se nesmiselno prepletale med seboj. škripanje vrat je njen vrat počasi obrnilo proti vhodu v atelje in čez nekaj sekund se je pred vrati naslikala podoba temnolasega dekleta, nerazumljivo poznanega videza. nedvomno potomka latinoameričanov se je počasi obrnila proti njej in v hipu, ko so se njune oči srečale, je averie še predobro vedela, v čigave oči strmi. "ne me jebat ..." je počasi besedo za besedo izgovorila blondinka, pri tem pa so njena usta ostala široko odprta. presenečene reakcije ob pogledu na bivšo prijateljico in bratovo punco preprosto ni mogla skriti. in ker ni vedela, kaj točno, bi morala v tistem trenutku narediti, se je začela glasno smejati. s telesom se je nagnila preko mize, kakor, da bi si želela pobližje ogledati atrakcijo v muzeju ali živalskem vrtu. s škarjami, ki jih je držala v levici je zaokrožila proti dekletu in nejeverno in posmehljivo rekla: "viviane villanueva, kaj za boga pa ti delaš tukaj?" (♥)

je bilo mogoče, da je bila res tako slepa, preveč obremenjena s sedanjostjo in problemi, ki jih je ta prinašala, da je v zadnjih treh letih popolnoma spregledala, da je na isti inštitut hodila tudi njena, tako imenovana, 'snaha'. pa saj je bilo tako še bolje. očitno jo je zares uspela povsem odmisliti, pozabiti na preteklost. dokaz temnolaski, da ji pač ni bila dovolj pomembna. "kaj res? nisem opazila ..." je zmajala z glavo z enakim presenečenim pogledom v očeh. zakaj bi vivi želela priti na isto univerzo, na katero je hodila averie, ki je vivian očitno ni prenašala? zaradi ugleda seveda, pri vivi je bilo vedno vse samo zato. da si je sama lagala, kako pomembna je in da so drugi nanjo gledali kot na nekaj več. poleg tega seveda ni mogla dopustiti, da bi jo averie prekosila še v nečem, je razmišljala svetlolaska. "kje si pustila aidena?" je že skoraj naveličano, a z dejanskim zanimanjem vprašala po bratu. slišala se nista že skoraj štiri leta, razen ob trenutkih, ko sta ob družinskih srečanjih in kosilih neizogibno naletela drug na drugega. težko si je bilo predstavljati malo deklico in odraščajočo punco, ki je svojega starejšega brata gledala s tisto iskrico v očeh, ko je vse želela početi tako kot on in vsak trenutek preživeti z njim. zdaj je bilo drugače. in vsega je bila kriva vivian. to so vedeli vsi. tudi ona. "čudi me, da te nisem opazila. ne igraš več kvazi kraljice šolskih hodnikov, kajne?" se je namuznila averie in s tem mislila na srednješolska leta gospodične poleg nje. "pa tudi v časopisih so nehali pisati o tisti vlogi, ki si jo dobila na nekem velecenjenem odru, ali kje že?" še kar ni utihnila. glede na to, da punce ni videla že tako dolgo, bi lahko zamere pustila za sabo, a ta možnost v njeni glavi preprosto ni obstajala. vivian je bila tukaj in ona jo bo obrala do kosti. (♥)

če bi averie prej vedela, da bo to, da se je zapletla s tistim temnolascem, čigar imena se sedaj še spomniti ni mogla, povzočilo celo družinsko katastrofo, jo oddaljilo od brata in njeno nekdaj dobro prijateljico obrnilo proti njej, ga verjetno še povohala ne bi. a sedaj je bilo že dolgo prepozno. neverjetno kako lahko neka sprva nepomembna dejanja popolnoma spremenijo človekovo življenjsko pot. in to je bila verjetno tista napaka, ki jo je averie zares obžalovala in o kateri je razmišljala, ko je izpolnjevala tisti intervju za vpis na inštitut. a ni bila pripravljena reči oprosti, ker je vedela, da beseda zdaj ne bi ničesar spremenila, sploh pa je vivian odločno pretiravala in bi že zdavnaj lahko ugotovila, da vsega v življenju pač ne more imeti, in da nekaterim moškim tudi ni dovolj všeč. "aaa, tako ... potem pa veliko zamujaš, pri nas se res veliko dogaja," se je averie nasmehnila nazaj temnolaskini otročji opazki. na vzven je igrala uglajeno prefinjeno in zapeljivo damo, a v resnici je bila le nedorasla razvajena najstnica, ki zaradi očkovega bogastva pač ni poznala resničnega sveta. "me veseli," je hladno dejala. njena namišljena slava je zares ni ganila. averie namreč ni bila ena tistih, ki so ljubili pozornost, slavo in glamur. vivian je bila pač njeno nasprotje, že samo njen študij in hobiji so pričali o tem. "vivian, ne spusti se prenizko ..." je averie zmajala z glavo. ni ji mislila razlagati, da so o njej že marsikaj napisali, v sicer manj znanih in bolj aternativnih spletnih medijih, a se ji ni zdelo vredno. "slava ne osrečuje, upam, da boš to spoznala preden bo prepozno," je rekla in pogled povesila k kosu blaga, ki ga je morala prišiti na rob obleke. ob naslednjih besedah se je averie zasmejala in ji podala tisti saj vendar nisi resna pogled. "dragica, srečna boš lahko, če me bo mama uklenjeno pripeljala na vajino poroko," je nekoliko brezbrižno dejala, čeprav je bila omemba poroke zanjo prava brca v prsni koš. kljub temu da je z bratom izgubila stike, je nekje globoko v sebi še vedno upala, da se bosta nekoč ponovno zbližala in da bo vivian s sklonjeno glavo odkorakala iz njegovega življenja. "kakšen čevelj iščeš?" jo je nato živčno vprašala, saj si je želela, da bi ženska čim hitreje odpeketala stran in jo pustila delati v miru. njena bližina jo je nervirala, ni se mogla zbrati, obdajala jo je negativna energija, ki se jo je želela čimprej znebiti. (♥)

maddox  

she was happy. she was standing in the art studio; right next to the window, surrounded with a few of her sculptures and a bunch of her paintings were on the table because she was looking at them earlier. now, however, she was focusing on the canvas she carefully put on the easel few hours ago. yeah, it was late evening and she was in the art studio after hours, but no one ever gave her hard time for that. she honestly didn’t even care – she liked the solitude and she liked creating and she was craving to paint something for quite some time now. something real. she was holding a palette in her hand. it was full of colors and she didn’t even realize that a lot of those colors ended up on a short white dress she was wearing today. she was way too focused on the painting – she was trying to paint a landscape and it was full of vivid colors and magnificent shapes and she was very, very happy. she was even murmuring a melody of a song to herself. she wasn’t sure which song it was, but she didn’t care. she was happily trapped in her little world until she heard footsteps behind her and she turned around after a few long moments because she decided she would finish the flower she was working on first. there he was; she just smiled and turned back to her painting. ”you know, I did manage to put that big bad lock on the other time,” she said after another few moments of silence between them. ”you still think flowers are not pretty?” she wondered with a smile, almost as she would be teasing him, but she was pointing at her painting now. for a few seconds, though – and then she looked at him again.

she was quite satisfied with how her painting was turning out to be – it was really colorful and she could already think of all the colors she still had to add to perfect it. she could almost see it in her head – and it made her happy. the colors made her happy, the whole world made her happy. it was that easy for her, always. and she didn’t really mind maddox being there as well. she took her time before she looked at him for few brief seconds. ”I am not sure if I can explain it to you,” she said, sounding almost a little bit confused because of the question. how did she mix it? ”I just look at colors and pick them and then I mix them. I don’t know, honestly,” she smiled and she turned to him. ”remember the flower I gave you?” she said and took another brush. she was working slower than usual – that much must’ve been obvious and she picked the colors, mixed them slowly and then applied them to the canvas. she used more colors and she painted a perfect replica of the flower, just much bigger. she placed it carefully and it looked lovely. she smiled happily. ”there, see?” she wasn’t able to offer him any other kind of explanation. that was how she always worked with colors. it made her feel alive and amazing and happy, all at the same time. she smiled to herself and shrugged. ”I am second year of painting and sculpturing. you tell me,” she replied to his words, not entirely sure what he was teaching here. she turned back to the canvas; her bright hair flew through the air because of her sudden movement. she started to paint again. ”what are you doing, maddox?” she asked when she could still feel her look on her canvas.
   

”you want that color?” she said when he asked her to mix it again and so she smiled at him. ”well, okay. it is not just velvet red and dark orange, though. look,” she said and turned to him, already preparing the colors. ”you also have to take a bit of white and a hint of pink and mix red with purple before you put it there,” her tone was dreamy but she was obviously well aware of her every action. sometimes she felt like she had that in her blood. it was easy and the colors spoke to her and it wasn’t hard to recreate pretty much anything for her. she was able to paint, yes. she just didn’t really pay much attention to it because it came naturally to her. ”and also dark blue and yellow.” she said, taking different amounts of colored paste and finally mixing it altogether. ”and there you have it!” she smiled at him widely just like it would be his merit that she was able to do that. she didn’t wonder why did he ask her to mix it – not even for a second, she was just happy she could show that to someone. she smiled at him and shook her head no. ”I paint everything. I will paint you sometime soon, you know?” she decided. it would be lovely to paint him and use brighter colors for him! ”I see you as dark blue most of the time, but you have a lot of color under that. I don’t think you are aware of them,” she shared her thoughts with him. she could already see a painting in her head. ”oh, those. yeah, I was looking at them earlier. they are lovely,” she declared without a hint of complacency. it was a fact for her. ”oh, so I will be able to be in your class again? that is lovely!” she was honestly happy about it. she liked the way he was talking about things that interested her. ”you are a good teacher,” she noted and somehow managed to get a color on her again, even though she didn’t even realize it.
   

well, he had her full attention now and she turned to him. ”what do you mean, without thinking?” she frowned a little, clearly puzzled with his words. why would she think about it? it was so natural and so easy and lovely and also fun to mix colours together! ”of course I don’t need to think about it. colours talk to me, kinda,” she smiled. of course they didn’t really talk with her, but she could her them and she was able to make a perfect symphony out of it. ”oh, when they send me my letter for whitmore they also said I was very talented and that they would like to have me,” she smiled, simply informing him about the facts and not bragging. the idea of bragging was unfamiliar to her. she pushed a strand of pink hair (with a bit of blue and red and yellow colour on it which she didn’t even notice) away and then shrugged. ”I don’t know. since forever? I love painting,” she explained and then giggled when she heard his words. she can’t paint him? ”of course I can paint you, silly,” she smiled widely. it wouldn’t even be that hard, even though she would have to try really hard not to paint a big smile on her face. she didn’t see him smiling often and it would be a bit hard to imagine, but she already could see in her mind that a smile probably lighted his whole face up. she giggled again when he described himself. ”that is what you think. but you are so much more than that, maddox,” she said and titled her head. did he really not see it? it was obvious! ”maybe I will. I usually give them to people. I like making people happy!” she announced and then frowned a little when she heard his last words. ”no, no,” she said quickly, ”you are good. you know how to tell things and you are very lovely! the other day I was listening to the lecture from professor adams about magnetism and he was nice, but he kept dropping his chalk. it was better when I got up to help him, but still not as good as you are! and he was also a bit surprised. hm.” she illustrated her words with a smile. yes. it was like that.
   

samo zmajala je z glavo in se skušala spet posvetiti delu, a že samo njena prisotnost jo je tako motila, da je skoraj pozabila šivati. naslednje vivianine besede so bile kaplja čez rob. tako otročjega obnašanja pa še ne! "what the fuck vivian? resno? po čem že sklepaš, da sem nizko padla? ker ne nosim grdih dizajnerskih oblačil, ampak si jih po svojem okusu raje sešijem sama? po tem, da od očeta ne zahtevam zlate kartice, kot ti, ampak si raje vse, kar potrebujem, zaslužim in kupim sama? mogoče po tem, da nisem svetnica, ampak to javno priznam in se ne skrivam za lažnimi nasmeški in prijaznimi pogledi? no? povej!" je razjarjeno dejala. vstala je iz svojega stola in odložila škarje na mizo, nato pa stopila prednjo in se z zadnjico naslonila nanjo. "ti resnično verjameš, da si boljša od vseh? kar verjemi, če ti je tako lažje. naj mislijo tudi drugi, jaz jim ne bom šla razlagati, kakšna si, ker tega pač ne delam, samo ne trudi se me poniževati, prosim," je odločno rekla in jo med tem gledala naravnost v oči. vivian jo je razjezila. njen odnos, njene besede ... vse je bilo enako kot pred leti, niti malo se ni spremenila, čeprav je averie na začetku celo upala, da se je. ni si mogla predstavljati, kako je bila s punco sploh kdajkoli lahko prijateljica. "bil je le dobrohoten človeški nasvet, sicer pa se ti ni treba zmeniti zanj," je brezbrižno odgovorila in v roke spet prijela škarje. tako se je počutila veliko močneje. v skrajni sili bi jih lahko uporabila, da bi z njimi vivian prerezala vrat. neresna misel jo je kljub krutosti nekoliko zabavala. zasmejala se je njenim besedam o aidenu: "tako me ima rad?" zmajala je z glavo, čeprav si je nekje globoko v sebi zares želela, da bi temnolaska govorila resnico. "če bi mu bilo dovolj mar zame, bi me že poklical ali pa vsaj začel govoriti z mano, tako pa ... ne hvala, na vajini poroki me ne bo. še preprečit se mi je ne bo dalo priti," je hladno dejala. "zaradi mene nosi karkoli hočeš, še tako dober dizajner ne bo moral zakriti tvoje grde osebnosti." pogledala je stran in začela na kup metati kose svojih oblačil, da bi jih posparavila, saj je po tem srečanju izgubila ves navdih za ustvarjanje. res si ni želela, da se njena nova kreacija zaradi viv spremeni v groteskno spako.  (♥)

zoey  oh dear, se vidi da že dolgo nisem pisala ..

njeni koraki so glasno odmevali po hodniku univerze. ni imela točno začrtanega cilja svojega pohoda, vedela je le, da more iti stran od tiste grozne predavalnice. če bi preživela le sekundo več v tistem zatohlem prostoru, bi dobila histerični napad. ob takih trenutkih se je tako zopet zavedla, zakaj v zadnjih treh letih v šoli ni zdržala več kot teden dni in zakaj točno prenaša svojega očeta - ker bi v nasprotnem primeru morala živeti na cesti. ustavila se je šele, ko je v eni izmed učilnic na svoji levi, zaslišala tiho hlipanje in smrkanje. približala se je vratom predavalnice, iz katere je prihajal zvok. previdno pogledala skozi majhno okence in tam, na drugi strani učilnice, zagledala tresočo postavo. verjetno bi se večina ljudi sedaj obrnila in odkorala stran od tu, ter pustila ubogo bitje, da v miru iz sebe spravi vso žalost. ampak ne maisie. v sebi je imela majnega otroka, ki je v takih časih naredil popolno napsrotno od tistega, kar je prav. potrkala je na vrata enkrat. dvakrat. trikrat. postava v studiu ni niti trznila. "hej ti tam notri! je vse v redu?" rjavolaska je še nekaj časa tako stala pred vrati in čakala, da bi jokajoča jane v učilnici vsaj nakazala, da je z njo vse v redu. kaj kmalu pa je spoznala da odgovora pač ne bo dobila, in končno se je obrnila stran in se odpravila naprej. naredila je le nekaj majhnih korakov, ko so se vrata za njo odprla. "končno. mislila sem že da ..."pred njo je stala njena objokana prijateljica. "zoey? kaj se je zgodilo? si v redu?" v njenem glasu je bilo tokrat možno zaznati zaskrbljenost. "imaš vročino ali kaj?" ob tem je maisie stopila bliže k rjavolaski in ji na čelo položila svojo roko. "ne vročine nimaš ... oh, že vem. je umrla tvoja babica? dedek? to mora biti grozno. saj ne da bi sama vedela, skoraj vsi moji sorodniki so umrli že pred mojim rojstvom ..." skomignila je z rameni in zoey spremila nazaj v studio. "daj, povej mi kaj te muči. na voljo imava cel dan," jo je spodbudila, ko so se za njima zaprla vrata.