tag; zoey. :3

it was starting to get dark which meant it was the perfect time for a quick stroll around the park. he kept his sight alert in case he spotted any of his friends. most of them used to hang out right here on the university's property. lying around in the grass, causing havoc here and there. he put his hand in front of the cigarette he was about to smoke, just to shield it from the light breezy wind. his lighter gave him some trouble at first but eventually gave up and he managed to light the cig. he continued to walk down the familiar path, looking occasionally from side to side. he didn’t feel like having company to be precise, but it was better than to go back to the fraternity and spend the evening inside the villa. hanging out in park beat hanging out in the living room full of frat boys similar to himself. he knew his other friends were the so-called junkies. but then again their company felt familiar. their mind worked in a similar way as his and that offered a certain level of stability. he didn’t have to explain anything to them. they just took all his bullshit in and asked no question. he noticed three or four of them sitting under one of the trees in the distance, but his step was cut short in the middle of the way. ‘’what the hell…’’ he planned to get out a few more curses as he steadied himself in front of the intruder. oh, bloody hell. of course. her. run. every instinct inside him was screaming that last word and yet there was no way out of this situation. ‘’zoey, love, would you mind stepping half a metre aside so I can continue my journey to the weed supply ? it would be highly appreciated, really,’’ his tone was slightly mocking but then again it was better to come off as a jerk face than a very humiliated ex-boyfriend who loves to drunk dial.

she really came out of nowhere. he started to look around for a possible way out, but the only path was behind her. and now she was standing in front of him with that determined look in her eyes, that told him everything. she finally had enough of his hide and seek games. out of all of his exes, she was the nicest. and she probably hated him the least. that was quite an accomplishment! he stayed clear of her for the past few weeks, months, almost ever since she came to the university last year. but, you see, he had his moments of weakness. mostly when he was high up in the sky or tried to drown himself in cheap vodka. that was when he either saw her in the crowd at the party or attempted to call her. which he successfully managed to do last week or so – and afterwards never called again to apologize for his mumbling and incoherent muttering into the phone. at least he hoped it was incoherent, he rarely had any memories of this phone calls. ‘’nooo. you’re an angel,’’ he offered her a corrected word: ‘’I meant to say, what an angel!’’ it was cheesy and it was bullshit and she will probably call him on that. but it was the best he had to offer after she terrified by showing up out of nowhere. ‘’where did you come from? didn’t see you… my poor heart, zoey. you are sneaky,’’ he started to step around her when he actually thought she’ll do as she said. but she was still standing there. ‘’step aside now or in five seconds?’’ he hopefully asked but sighed when he saw the irritation written all over her face. ‘’hm?’’ he played dumb. he puffed the cigarette smoke to the aside, away from her but now finally looked straight to her, without trying to run away. ‘’no. I mean it. I don’t know what you’re talking about. what do you mean by that? I’m just trying to find my peeps and… you’re standing in my way and making it slightly hard to do that,’’ he slowly but efficiently wiped the smartass smirk of his face. she’s going to spoil his mood with all this serious talk. egh.

he pursed his lips as if he would actually be insulted by her remark. truth be told he never acted like this around her. the asshole image was reserved for the rest of the world. zoey grimes was actually one of the very few people – he could count them on the fingers of his left hand – around who he didn’t need to pretend. they were dating for a while, at least judging by his usual standards, where no other girl lasted more than a few days, weeks at the most. ‘’you’re gonna have your way with me for the next fifteen minutes? you can have me for longer you know, you just have to ask nicely,’’ he went on in that smirky tone with a smirk to match in on his face. it was quite hard to keep this image up though. his mind constantly felt the need to drop the act and get serious. because it was zoey in front of him, not some meaningless chick from a few nights back. however, he needed to get serious and she managed to force him to do just that. ‘’I know I called you, okay…’’ he started to interrupt her but indeed shut his mouth tight and let her finish. his eyes wandered away from her and he dropped the cigarette to the ground, stepping on it to burn it out. ‘’I don’t remember, though, what I said, exactly,’’ he confessed, still looking down at the points of his shoes, his foot still drawing circles around that poor dead cigarette. ‘’you did nothing, zoey. I was just drunk and I called you. a bad decision, very bad,’’ he looked up for a moment. this was typical them – he did something stupid and now she was all worried. he hated to see that frown on her forehead. ‘’and if I said that I fucked up… well, that’s the truth isn’t it? I fucked up. a lot of things. I don’t exactly have many regrets, or any for that matter. but some things could’ve ended differently,’’ he laid emphasis on the ‘ended’ word. them for example. he could be a better boyfriend and a much better ex-boyfriend also. ‘’I should just delete you from the phone book. it will save me a lot of trouble. I’m sorry for calling you in the middle of the night. it won’t happen again.’’

‘’okay… if I said that, then I meant it. you know that people supposedly tell nothing but truth when they’re outrageously drunk,’’ he slowly nodded and his words were only slightly tinted with humor. he was prepared to have this serious talk with her, which was probably already overdue. they should have discussed this a year ago when she first started going to withmore. ‘’well. wasn’t it?’’ he shrugged, not having a complete satisfying answer. ‘’I mean. ugh. do we really have to talk about this? I’m not exactly proud of my drunken escapades and drunk dialing. really not my brightest moments,’’ he reached up and pulled at the ends of his black curls with his right hand, making even a bigger mess. but this was his typical gesture of nervousness, his tick. ‘’I just… we we’re good. I guess that when I act like a drunk monkey I remember those times and I know they were good. I recognize a good thing when I see it, despite the common belief I only like tits and ass and basically anything that’s of female gender,’’ he went on, finally finding the familiar ground. he hadn’t talked to her sober in over a year. ‘’well, we?’’ his words resembled a question: ‘’we could have tried… for a bit longer. work it out somehow for a year despite the distance. I don’t know, okay?’’ it was obvious even from far away that he wasn’t used to this sort of conversations. break ups were usually messy – screaming, scratching and throwing things involved. their break up was a clean cut, a mutual decision. by any means it was completely genuine. but in his eyes there was still so much they could’ve done. ‘’no one understands me, zoey. join the club,’’ he murmured a half-hearted cynical remark as he reached into his pocket for another cigarette. he just held it in his hand and rolled it between his fingers while stating: ‘’you were never a joke. or what happened between us. I’m just… not used to talking to you as… like this. as some sort of friends. we went from not knowing each other to dating then to living miles and miles apart and now… I have no idea what we are.’’

note; she's so wonderful!

he almost non-noticeably flinched when she said his name. well, he wasn’t exactly saying that it was his fault. he was just saying that there were other solutions too. he knew of them even back then. he knew that he could suggest some sort of an agreement that would keep their relationship still going on. but he was too afraid that he would fuck it up here on withmore. so it was easier to break it off than to try to behave. he should have made them last longer. ‘’I did move on, zoey. I mean… obviously…’’ he just waved his hand around nonchalantly, his way of pointing towards all the rumors that ran around about him. most of them were real, some weren’t (he didn’t have nor syphilis nor a kid so far). but yes, in a way his calls in the middle of the night pointed to the fact that he was still clinging onto the idea of them together. ‘’it’s complicated. I know we are over. definitely over. but it’s complicated,’’ he really wasn’t making a progress choosing such neutral words. for fuck’s sake, he could create a whole masterpiece when typing away at the computer but when it came to speaking out loud he sucked profoundly.

he frowned when she snapped, not completely sure what exactly bothered her. they were just talking right? this was jem lewis, out of all people, discussing his feelings for the very first time. and in the middle of a park. yay for him. ‘’say what? what did I say wrong?’’ he was sincerely curious. because she said they had to talk, they had to clear it all out. and now he was saying the wrong things or saying too much… fuck, he’ll never understand women. ‘’I can’t have you back even if I could get you back,’’ he objected while shaking his head intensively, trying to stop her. he noticed the shivers on her skin and subconsciously stepped forward, still pinching at that cigarette between his fingers. he stopped when she turned around, her back now to him. he managed to make her cry. that was a first time. ‘’I made you cry…’’ he murmured under his breath and debating whether he should step backwards and leave or just try to console her. he never got himself into this situation before. when his exes cried, he just walked away. this was zoey. this was way way way different. ‘’I didn’t mean to make you cry,’’ he stated with a hopeful tone. ‘’I am profoundly sorry, zoey. I didn’t mean to do that,’’ he stepped around her and after a moment or two of inner struggle decided it was the best if he helped. he laid one hand on the top of her shoulder and tried to cope up with the slightly teary eyes. ‘’friends? um. uh. I don’t know how to do that. be friends with someone like you… and like I said. we went from strangers to dating. we never stopped at the whole friends phase. I don’t… I don’t know how to be friends with you.’’

‘’I was never particularly good at relationships. we both know that. I’m not familiar with the whole ‘moving on’ process the way people do it. I simply go on,’’ he made two stick figures with his fingers and walked them across the air for a better portrayal of the journey. he didn’t elaborate on the ‘complicated’ thing, only shrugged. apparently girls and him. but she wasn’t giving him an exactly welcoming attitude each time he started to actually talk about their relationship. she just wanted to talk, say some things and then pretend they figured it all out. ‘’you said you wanted to talk, I’m talking,’’ he spoke over her: ‘’if you don’t want me to say whatever’s on my mind, then you shouldn’t talk to me at all. I’m not going to keep my mouth shut about certain things just because they make you feel uncomfortable.’’ she was already upset and he was obviously making it worse, but she dragged him into this, so she will just have to listen. ‘’no, you’re not fine. you’re all teared up and I did that. and you’re not an idiot,’’ was the only consolation he good give her. he hated to seeing her cry and during their relationship he had never put her in this state. which was a giant enormous encrypted-in-gold accomplishment. ‘’could what?’’ he inquired about the rest of the sentence. ‘’I ignore you for a reason! and it’s obviously not working very well if I always molest you in the middle of the night, right?’’ he removed his hand from her shoulder and started to pat his pockets to find that fucking lighter. he finally found it, he pushed the cigarette between his lips, quickly lit it up and inhaled. ‘’but you know what? I’m not going to explain anything. not why I ignore you, not what I think about us, nothing. because judging from what I see, you don’t even want to hear it. so fuck you for wanting me to talk about all this crap and then being pissed at me because I’m saying the truth,’’ he said after exhaling and he was visibly nervous. looking around but not at her, flinching his fingers over the cigarette. ‘’I feel really upset right now. and I feel like you want me to say some bollocks about us being happily forever friends.’’

‘’I don’t want to learn it,’’ was his lame response. of course he was acting a bit childish. but he had his reasons for not being willing to do everything she said. moving on meant letting go. he preferred forgetting. just taking everything, putting it into one enormous pile and then shoving it up on the attic where it lay forgotten. ‘’feelings are… messy,’’ was his way of explaining everything. he was a master of messy – a real pro. but not when it came to feelings, that’s when he was even worse than a five year old. he only did happy, satisfied and angry. ‘’well you said it yourself – apparently I’m not over you and that’s the reason why I call you all the time,’’ his tone was dripping with pure sarcasm. it was hard on him and hard on her to say all this evil shit when she was already upset. but she needed to hear it. ‘’as for the pushing away part… I don’t know. you seem to have everything already figured out, why don’t you answer this on your own also?’’ he was once more standing way too close. his right hand was clinging to the cigarette and his left one was pressed tightly together into a fist. ‘’this is stupid. I shouldn’t have agreed on this. talking, pff, as if it’s helpful,’’ he scoffed and frowned and frowned some more. ‘’no, the problem is that you moved on. that’s the whole damn problem. and if you moved on then I don’t know why you’re making such a scene out of this. it doesn’t care how I feel about you, about us, or why I call you and ignore you. just ignore me back,’’ he ranted off and at her final words just stared back. ‘’you’re so fucking blind and stupid sometimes, zoey,’’ he observed. she really believed that he didn’t like her? that he was ignoring her out of something mean and spiteful? oh come on, it couldn’t be more obvious, even to him. he still liked her, you could see that all the way from up in the sky. and that’s why he asked her one very simple question: ‘’are you – are you with someone? seeing anyone? dating? and do tell me the truth.’’ if she’ll give him the right answer, he will give her some answers too. otherwise, that pile of hidden and forgotten things will just get bigger.

note; sem kar zaključil, se slišiva prek ZS za naprej?

‘’don’t say you’re sorry. don’t, okay?’’ he murmured more intensely than intended. her saying she was sorry was the worst possible thing. she wasn’t the one to blame for anything. they broke up and it was expected. he was okay with it at the time, because he considered it a good thing – they’ll both have some breathing space and she’ll finish up high school, he’ll make himself cozy her on andros. it was a perfect plan. ‘’of course. we need to get a closure, right? well… consider this our closure,’’ he waved his hand on the space between them as if the closure laid right there in the middle. ‘’no, you can’t. you shouldn’t. I tend to disappoint people who care about me, so save yourself the trouble,’’ he gave her a good advice and then cursed her inside her hand. she really always was a little helper. a miracle worker as some had called her when they started dating. back then he wasn’t as bad as he was now, he was still young enough to know at least some limits, but before her he had his share of girlfriends and make out/fuck buddies. when she came along, all of that stopped. ‘’I was happy. I was okay. you know, until you came here,’’ he probably didn’t pick exactly the right words but they’ll have to suffice. ‘’well, yes. if it happens again, ignore me. but it won’t happen again. I promise you. I will keep my distance, I will stay away, I won’t call. I promise to behave,’’ he started to nod his head up and down for even stronger reassurance. he won’t call her anymore, he gave a promise to her and he will keep it. because he always kept the promises he gave to zoey grimes. ‘’you should talk to someone else about the whole thea thing. I’m really not the right person to trust with these things,’’ he said after a quick consideration, because he wasn’t equipped to deal with this. and he didn’t want to know what it was about because that would require further discussion and eventually he would be caught up in her again. which wasn’t a good thing when he needed to keep his distance. then her words hit the home base. ‘’now? now it’s complicated?’’ he repeated with a hint of cynicism that was directed at him and not at her. he waited too long, typical. ‘’okay. fine. then I’ll leave you to your guessing’s and… I’ll leave you alone…’’ he dropped the already wasted cigarette to the ground and without making a big drama of his departure turned his back to her. ‘’take care, zoey,’’ he said over his shoulders and walked away. he wanted her back and it was mission impossible. damn it, he need a drink or a keg.