tag; nyah

everything was fucked up. and each they more and more. he was laying on his bed, a joint in one hand and an empty glass in the other. he was trying to get something out of him, just a few sentences really. but this writer's block was beyond his control. so he gave up and went on to his favorite guilty pleasures. weed and booze. it wasn't a smart combination, in fact it was a very stupid one. one he will probably regret in a few hours or tomorrow. if he'll even remember what he did. his laptop rested on the table, a blank word document mocking him profoundly. he exhaled and closed his eyes, even though he heard the creeking of the door and then the lock being put in its place. ''announce yourself,'' he murmured with his eyes still closed. he inhaled once again and opened his eyes to watch the smoke lift over his head. the whole room smelled of expensive booze and weed, it was kinda pathetic. he raised himself up on his elbows and saw the exact person he expected to be there. ''eh. you. why did you come? please leave. i'm not in the mood to deal with your bullshit, nyah,'' he spoke in a greeting and made a ship of whiskey. he was at averie's yesterday. he knew all of it. how she lied and hid things from him. and it fucking hurt. even more so because suddenly he didn't trust her at all. it wasn't as if he shared everything with her but he always counted on her to have his back. and now she was sleeping around with his friends. his female friends. the gender didn't bother him. everything bothered him. ''fuck off.''

it was actually painful to see her standing there in the middle of his room. he should be used to seeing her there, she was often sleeping over or just hanging out here. but right now she seemed so out of place, or maybe those were just pathetic subconscious wishes. to erase her. ‘’nice? right. I’m nice. I’m probably too nice for you and I’m not even fucking nice. because I’m an asshole. and I fuck people up. but not you. I can’t fuck you up, you do that all by yourself,’’ he wasn’t being fair and he knew it. he’ll hate himself for this soon. he’ll regret everything. and then he’ll come crawling back after her just like he always did. they’ll do their usual thing – a quickie on the nearest surface and problems will be solved. they will go back to occasionally ignoring each other and pretending for the most of the time that the other part of this pair didn’t matter at all. ‘’you really want to know?’’ he laughed, but it was cold. he sat up and downed his drink right to the end. the liquor left a burn all over his throat. ‘’you fucked someone. as usual,’’ he wasn’t looking at her now. he was looking right past her and the smile was completely gone. ‘’you fucked averie. that’s what you did,’’ he then spoke again, finally pointing out her main mistake. he didn’t even notice when she moved to sit beside him, but there she was now. ‘’if you’re in a relationship nyah, don’t come over to my place every single day for a fuck session. let your girlfriend take care of that. you know, just a little relationship advice,’’ he turned to look at her. well, fuck her. she screw everything up.

he was already pissed at himself, but right now the betrayal was stronger. ‘’I don’t know. why don’t you tell me?’’ he muttered under his breath and tried to find comfort in deeply pulling a smoke on a joint. his mind was hazy and the room smelled and her presence was overwhelming and he was just so mad. nothing made sense. he was already in a fucked up position because of zoey and now she had to go and ruin everything even furthermore. ‘’you said nothing. you mentioned nothing. I had to find out from other people and it made me look like a fool. for fuck’s sake, nyah. people think we’re together. their perception is that crooked. if you go around, dating people then at least have a decency to tell me so that I know I’m the guy you’re cheating them with,’’ he said all in one breathe. crap, all of this made him feel sick. this was the usual them. the fighting and everything, but now they stepped it up a few notches. now it was a real fight, not just dirty foreplay. ‘’yes, you fuck them. we both do. but you dated her. and she was a friend of mine. you went behind my back,’’ he continued, interrupting her mid-sentence. a part of him knew that it wasn’t about that at all, that he was pissed off because of something else entirely. but he won’t waste his time with explaining it to her. ‘’I always cared about that. I do understand that all those poor naïve fools don’t mean a thing to you. if they didn’t you wouldn’t be here with me and you wouldn’t be letting me to fuck you whichever way I wanted. you would’ve put a stop to this,’’ he grabbed the bottle from the table and didn’t bother with filling up the glass, he just took a swig from the top. ‘’we’re done. we’re done with this. I won’t do this anymore. it’s too exhausting. find yourself another toy,’’ he didn’t mean it but at the same time he did. he was looking at her now, without hatred or anger. just disappointment.

‘’yeah, but are they? are they really that stupid?’’ he scoffed and he had the need to throw that cup of glass all over the room so it would crash to pieces when hitting the wall. but he did no such thing. because he wasn’t aggressive like that. he just needed to write and vent it all out, then he’ll be back to his usual foolish self. ‘’I’ve had enough. and to be honest, maybe they’re right. because this thing between us… it really does resemble a completely fucked up relationship but a relationship nonetheless,’’ he didn’t even bother now calculating her reactions and didn’t pick his words out carefully. they had to get out and someone had to say it. she was a coward so he had to be the one to do it. ‘’why are you doing this to me?’’ he stared at her. she was just being a bitch now. he recognized her self-defense mechanism but it didn’t hurt any less. ‘’whow. just… incredible,’’ he took a deep breath. for years. she did it for years and she announced that so proudly of herself. ‘’i’ve had it all the fucking time. but the problem is with you keeping things from me. I don’t mind being the other person in your sexcapades. but well, color me stupid, I thought we were more than that. that you had my back, that I could trust you and you trusted me. sleeping with my friend for year… screw you,’’ he smoked through the last of the joint and threw the end into the empty glass, which he put on the bedside table. ‘’and it goes always back to her, doesn’t it?’’ he laughed without being entertained. he moved closer to her, right into her personal space: ‘’come on, nyah. what exactly is your problem with her?’’ he was now the one being a complete bastard. ‘’why don’t you do a goddamn favor to everyone and just admit that you’re jealous? jealous because she was the only one I left you for. just admit it and make it easier for both of us, okay?’’ a part of him even hoped she’ll deny everything. who was he kidding, of course she’ll deny it all.

‘’liar, liar, pants on fire,’’ he chanted in a mocking tone. he wasn’t buying this bullshit not even for a second. she was a master of disguise and pretention, he learned his lesson when it came to her hide and seek games. ‘’but fine. if you want to live in denial, then fine. do whatever the hell you want,’’ he shook his head a spiteful smile on his lips. people were stupid and they believed whatever they wanted. he was stupid and he believed he mattered to her. foolish of him, really. ‘’I’m constantly repeating myself, god! I always cared, I always care. that’s what I’m telling you every single time your countless insecurities surface up. I know you won’t admit that you have them, but I do and I know them and I’m trying to comfort you when it happens and I’m always there for you and you’re still wondering if I care? how stupid are you?’’ they were sitting so close now and yet now the nearness of her did nothing to comfort him or calm him down. ‘’no, you screwed me over averie. that’s the problem. and apparently you were screwing me over for years. who knows with how many people? are there any other relationships I should know about? slept with any other of my friends?’’ his voice was so bitter and his thoughts were spinning like a twister inside of his head. she was making it all even worse by being making it all seem like such a petty thing. ‘’a toy… right,’’ he froze the smile and froze up completely. ‘’have to keep reminding myself of that. that I’m a toy. inanimate object. I don’t matter. I serve a purpose and then I get dumped in a pretty box where I’m hidden until the moment when you need me again,’’ he toned his voice down, before he would start yelling in her face. it still resonated inside his mind that he was supposed to be that one person who wouldn’t hurt her. but how to be detached and unaffected when she was stabbing a knife after knife into him? ‘’easy? nothing about us is easy. and yes, I’m using the ‘us’ word,’’ he had no idea when his hand gripped her shoulder. it wasn’t a rough move but it was tight enough to keep her from standing up and walking away. ‘’you are just looking for excuses. I gave you a way out and of course you’ll take it. of course no one is worth of you,'' he concluded glaring into her eyes, practically begging her to admit. to admit to everything. to make them... them.

‘’stop being like this,’’ he wasn’t just pissed anymore. he was borderline mad and in rage. she was twisting everything around and she was trying her hardest to knock him down. she was breaking just about every unwritten rule they ever had. yeah, they liked to scream at one another and they often talked shit. but it meant nothing. it was their prelude to hot dirty sex against the wall or wherever they felt like it. this was no game. this was a real fight. ‘’stop trying to punish me or whatever it is that you’re trying to do,’’ he repeated: ‘’you are the one who fucked it all up, not me.’’ if he could he was simply delete everything. how he went over to averie, how he let everyone fill up his head with these rumors. he would gladly live in denial forever and never know about this shit. ‘’wha…’’ he wanted to interrupt her but then he shut his mouth as she spoke. and this was finally her. the real nyah. the very person he’s been searching for since the day they met. she was giving it all out and each word hurt more than the one before. ‘’and I leave them for you, don’t I?’’ he offered. he wasn’t that much different from her. but he wouldn’t go behind her back, he told her everything, trusted her with everything. ‘’I do the same, don’t I? I date people and I try to be with them, but then I cheat on them with you and in the end I always come back. because… why?’’ now he was asking himself that very question. and there was really no logical answer. why were they screwing up each other and everyone around them like this? ‘’why the hell are we doing this…’’ he was shaking his hand and he didn’t fight it when she pushed his hand away from her. he let her go as if she were burning fire. ‘’I…’’ he started and looked away from her, moved away even. ‘’if you want to walk away, then do it now. but if you do – then we’re done. for good. we’re done for good, with everything,’’ he said. he should’ve commented on all the things she said. about him hurting her and about thousands of heartbreaks. but she was so intent on insisting that he was the one who didn’t see she cared… and she was blind for his affection. he said it a million times – that he will fix her, that he will help, he will always care. except he wasn’t capable of doing that anymore. ‘’actually, no. I think you should leave, I think this has to end. because it’s fucked up and it’s not healthy and it’s ruining us both. it has to end at some point, right? well, this is the point,’’ in that moment he was sure he felt the excruciating pain inside his chest. something tearing up in pieces.