location; main hall, near the entrance

when he jokingly decided to appear at the auction, he didn't expect anyone would possibly want to spend the whole night with him, let alone pay for it, but levi did and joe had a feeling it must have had a bit to do with their little chat a week ago. as soon as he got to his room after basically accusing him of being ungrateful for his family's support, he regretted it. it was by no means levi's fault that his father was a dick, he was just … just so sensitive when it came to … to whatever he was. whatever all of this was. him being gay and slowly coming out of his shell.

he was anxiously waiting for him at the entrance, his hands carefully pocketed, a fake smile on. he seriously didn't think it would be this difficult, in fact he thought he'd just end up going to an after party alone, being one of those people whom no one wanted to pay for (not that levi spent a fortune on him either). "hey," he jittered, quickly making his way towards his flatmate, already seeking words that could possibly justify his acting like an asshat when they've last talked. "you … you bought me… why did you do it?" he asked instead, trying to gain as much time as he could. because yes, he wanted to tell him the real reason behind it and he needed a fucking drink or else … he might as well cry.

he didn’t have a plan. to be precise, he had absolutely no idea what to do now. when he bid on joseph he didn’t know his bid will actually win. that they will actually spend the evening together. of course, if joseph won’t run away again. levi wasn’t sure how to approach the issue which definitely still floated between them. how joe left, what he said, what turn their first and last conversation took. he was walking towards him now and he was trying to come up with… something. with anything. he had no last minute resort and he refused to let joe back away again. he stopped in front of him, his palms sweaty from nervousness, his eyes almost daringly staring at his flatmate. who appeared to be even more perplexed than levi himself. ‘’I wanted to…’’ he shrugged his shoulders while giving him a vague answer. it was much more simple than the complicated explanation in his head. better to stick to simplicity. ‘’I’m sorry about the last time. I didn’t know. I should’ve been more careful or should’ve noticed,’’ he blurted out all in one breath then forced himself to pause: ‘’please don’t push me away again? I kinda… I kinda want to be there for you, if that’s okay.’’

all of this was pretty new to him. not being auctioned (well, that too), but that someone actually came after him, even though he was being nothing but rude and disrespectful. "no, it wasn't your fault, oh god, please don't think so. i was just … just a bit taken aback by everything. your ribs … and everything. by the way, how are they?" he sort of babbled his way out of talking about that time in the hall, because he had absolutely no intention discussing it completely sober.

before levi could possibly make any remarks, he started walking towards the sweeties spot - they were the one thing he needed before all the booze. chocolate. gummy bears. pretzels. whatever. he just had to stuff his mouth with junk (no pun intended) before he could say something stupid. because that's what he did when he was surrounded by handsome guys. "come on, lets get something to eat. and drink. and then we can talk. because i really want to explain myself and i'm really sorry, ok? but i need a beer before i can say anything," he checked if levi was still behind him, and he was, "it's too obvious, isn't it?" he blushed, thinking that levi, just as himself, probably had a fucking radar for gay fellas. and he was so gay he couldn't drive a flipping straight line.

he had some small trouble following the flood of words coming from his mouth but in the end he understood it all. he shrugged his shoulders, keeping his eyes on joseph: ‘’they’re fine. almost all healed. I think only the bruising hurt. it’s… fine.’’ the reply was polite as was his usual style and then joseph started to move and levi was left with no other choice but to go after him. he didn’t plan to let him out of his sight. he bought him for the evening after all and if he’ll have to he will use that card – he was obligated to spend the entire evening with him. no excuses, no secret attempts of escape. none of that. ‘’you sure have a sweet tooth,’’ he commented while frowning as joe started to rush into the room with no obvious finish destination in sight. signs of nervousness no doubt. ‘’okay, I guess we can do that. but can we take things to go? crowds make me nervous, I’d rather find some place… quiet, no hidden meaning and no secret intentions I swear,’’ he cracked a smile as he tried to make a more or less successful joke. needless to say jokes weren’t his strongest suit. ‘’I didn’t realize at first. I mean I never talked to you or… well, before. and only after you snapped at me, did I figure it out,’’ he responded quietly and stopped by the next table where the drinks were. ‘’so, um you need a beer right?’’ he picked a cold beer bottle up and handed it to joe, then grabbed a bottle of orange juice for himself. ‘’and food?’’ he rested his hand on joseph’s shoulder to stop him in his path and then pointed at the table not far away: ‘’there seems to be cupcakes?’’

"that's great. i'm sure it looks all better now, too," he said, not even trying to hide the fact how much he actually wanted to see him bare-chested again. levi was one hell of a guy, his face was flawless and he did see some abs under all the bruises if he recalled correctly. but first, he had to get to his beer and voice everything that filled his brain to the point where he didn't even knew what he was doing anymore. "i eat when i'm nervous," he shyly smiled back, glad it didn't show on his body. all the thanks probably went to cigarettes that falsely filled his stomach, so he basically lived off little snacks during the day. "shite, yeah, we can go. where do you wanna go?"

he didn't even have to say it out loud. levi obviously read his mind or all the little hints that he was unknowingly dropping around, but that was good. it was all good, at least he didn't have to get all cold sober, because his thing, his orientation, was the only thing he was trying to be serious about. "i didn't mean to, really, i was in no place to do so, i can be such a wanker," he mumbled to himself, carefully swiping the tables looking for something worth taking. "god no, i'm not putting cupcakes into my pockets. i mean, you go ahead, but i'm going for pretzels tonight," he took a full fist of them and stuffed them into his pant pocket, where he will probably forget about them and find them a week or two later all mouldy. but as long as he had his beer, he was all cheered up and better. "ok, so i think we have everything, where to now?"

he kept his smile half-hidden and every now and then forced himself to look away from joe. suddenly to him he appeared to be so fragile. but he had to be strong, right? by all logic that’s exactly what he was strong. he kept those parts of himself hidden under the surface and even levi didn’t notice anything remotely ‘wrong’ with him before… and he considered himself to be good when it came to noticing details and observing people. when it came to joseph hayden, he failed on the whole line. he nursed his oj bottle while joseph swept through the sweets and deserts. ‘’a wanker, how very english of you,’’ levi chuckled and then simply grabbed a paper plate and placed two cupcakes on it. they looked great. full of chocolate. like triple chocolate. like a heavy dose of chocolate. the kind of chocolate that makes you moan when it comes in contact with your tongue. ‘’do you often act like a hamster, packing your pockets with food, or is tonight an exception?’’ levi smiled at him and then nodded toward the exit. ‘’let’s just find some quiet niche,’’ he explained and started walking along joe with his juice bottle and his cupcakes. they exited the grand hall, levi made a turn to the left and another one. there was this wide window shelf where he often sat while waiting for classes. ‘’there, perfect,’’ he placed the plate carefully on the shelf and sat down, scooting himself completely to the side and then lifting up his legs, extending them in front along the length of the shelf. ‘’there’s plenty of room,’’ he added popping open his bottle. ‘’do you want to talk about it?’’ right, he probably should’ve waited more than a minute before asking that.

it was quite a challenge not to smile back when levi's lips reassuringly turned upwards. and he knew he could confide in him, tell him whatever he had to tell, trust him with his deepest secrets. okay, maybe not all of them, but at least with the ones where they could relate and somehow make each other feel better. that sounded quite like a plan to him, and just shortly after he didn't feel all the nervous anymore. "duh, of course i do. guess why i'm not taking any gummy bears, i should probably still have some," he started feeling around at a short pause, "i'm just kidding. but yeah, i love pretzels. we can share."

he nodded just before levi turned his back on him and then followed. they didn't walk for too long and he sort of knew where they were headed, having been around there many times before. "fine, much better," he settled next to him, reaching for a pretzel just before he cracked open a bottle. "we can talk now, yeah. but i … i really, it has to stay between us." he never told anyone, because it was just too embarrassing for him to. being fucked up by your own blood. your face literally mangled by your old man. "you know when you asked if i've been through something like you. i have been in fact, and it wasn't because i tried something … or because i fucked someone's boyfriend. i … i don't exactly get along with my dad. he didn't take it well … you know, when …"  his voice cracked under pressure. telling levi about it - it was a big deal. a really big deal.

‘’you probably have noticed I’m not exactly good at… well, with people,’’ he cautiously pointed out when they were finally alone. away from the crowd. if he had to stay in a room that full for ten more minutes, he would probably start suffocating. maybe not for real, but anxiety would definitely start creeping in. ‘’of course,’’ he nodded, hopefully his eyes portrayed that he really could trust him. he didn’t have many friends and even those he had… he wasn’t particularly close to them. plus he never got drunk so the words could never even accidentally slip out. ‘’my lips are sealed,’’ he added to reassure him even more and a part of him wanted to reach over, take his hand and squeeze it with encouragement. he listened carefully, frowns appearing on his forehead as he started to figure out just what exactly happened. ‘’he beat you,’’ it wasn’t even a question. ‘’he made you feel disgusted of yourself? unworthy?’’ maybe he would use different words but the principle was just the same. ‘’I’m guessing it… um, I’m sorry if I’m out of line here… but it had to mark you somehow? you’re probably not as open with yourself as you could’ve been?’’ he picked the cupcake up, dumping a finger in the topping. ‘’he’s not here, you know. here you can basically suck as many cocks as you want and take it up the ass as many times you want and he can’t do a single thing,’’ he looked up at him, before licking the cream of his finger: ‘’shit these are yummy, you have to try some.’’ and he already pushed the cupcake towards him. ‘’cupcakes bring happiness. really.’’

the mood changed slightly when joe's voice went from chirpy to a bit quieter and serious. he didn't talk about his dad. ever. to anyone. also him being gay thing was a taboo topic in hayden household, so all of this was new to him. being truthful and basically just throwing around little facts about his life. the facts no one else knew. "uhhh, yeah, he did," he chipped in when levi guessed what'd happened to him that made him ever so sensitive the last time that talked, and surprisingly … he felt better. just by getting it out of his system, just by nodding his head yes, he felt different. someone else knew and all of a sudden it wasn't just his secret, his struggle. "i … i was sixteen when i told him. so stupid of me to think my parents could possibly understand. i mean, mom kind of did, but dad … he never … he just flipped out, it was the worst day in my entire existence."

he didn't need to expose the whole canvas that was him, he just shared bits of it, and as small as they seemed … they made such a difference. "we've never talked about it since. he pretends, i pretend, mom pretends. in fact, she prays daily for me to wake up straight one day." he was able to look up, with a huge stone finally off his chest, just to welcome the truest thing come out of levi's mouth. yeah, he could do what he wanted here. he did, in fact, but nothing had changed when he returned home. he was still a faggot. a god damned faggot that needed his brain checked out and strings straightened. or that's what his father thought. "i guess, i guess i can," a smile eventually came across his face as he sank his teeth into a cupcake, full mouth not stopping him one bit: "just what i needed, damn icing on my face."

it pained him to see joseph tremble even the slightest. his father beat him. that was… a monstrosity. from all the reactions he expected from his own parents it never even crossed his mind that either of them might lay a hand on him. he expected to be disinherited, maybe thrown out of the family, maybe simply marginalized. but now beaten. ‘’I’m sorry to hear that, joseph. it wasn’t supposed to be that way,’’ he spoke and then flinched when a sudden visual crossed his mind so he started shaking his head, trying to unhear it all. it was painful. ‘’no, it wasn’t stupid of you think that. it was logical you thought that., they were supposed to understand. they were supposed to love you no matter what. the joke is on them, not on you,’’ he was already leaning forward, his back no longer resting on the cold wall. his eyes remained locked on joe’s face. he could easily tell him how the conversation with parents would go in a dream-like scenario. it was what happened to him. but this was not about him. this was about joe, his struggle and his search of an identity. ‘’so... um, what? they throw girls at you and…?’’ he cut the sentence short. it disgust him. ‘’are you playing along? pretending as well?’’ he asked very carefully. ‘’it has to be exhausting. I’m sorry,’’ he patted his knee awkwardly in sort of a reassurance since his hands were busy with holding the cupcake. he laughed lightly at the sudden sight of buttercream on joe’s nose. ‘’it looks like cum, it looks like someone unloaded on your face, sorry,’’ he started laughing and then pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket offering it to joe: ‘’here, get that cum off.’’

"i know. many things weren't supposed to happen, but they did. and he'll never change, he'll never admit to it being fucking stupid. i bet he'd do it again if i brought someone home, too." his family was one of a weird kind. when it came to homosexuality amongst other people, they didn't mind it one bit, they just turned their heads away and it was just as if they've never seen it, but their own blood … no, their own blood cannot possibly like dick. no fucking way, it's embarrassing, outrageous and had to be nipped in the bud. he envied levi his family. he could imagine how open they had to be about it, so the boy next to him turned out the way he was. not at all secretive about what he did when surrounded by four walls. "they tried setting me up on numerous occasions, coffee here, ice-cream there, i have so many girl friends it's not even funny anymore." and as much as he liked getting money for all of the dates, it was tiring. having to explain himself all the time … you'd think he'd get used to the coming out thing considering how many times he had to do it. if nothing else … he did get patted a lot.

"oh no you didn't," he laughed wiping his face off. levi obviously knew just what to say to get a bit of colour in his cheeks. "you know … this, this was so freeing, so good. talking to someone about shit. someone that can relate, that is." because he actually could, no matter the difference in their families and the way they reacted, they still shared the every-day struggle. levi understood. and for that … he was thankful.

he couldn’t imagine how it had to feel. to have your own family against you, against who you are. ‘’it’s…’’ he started to say but there honestly weren’t no proper words to describe this. ‘’i can't sugar coat it. it’s despicable,’’ he settled on saying while never looking away for a single moment. ‘’he is in denial. if they’re trying to set you up… he’s still hoping it’s just a phase and he wants to turn you back to being straight. it’s despicable, I’m so sorry, it really is,’’ he won’t go pat his shoulder and he won’t go and say it will be okay. those were lies. it won’t be okay. if your own family can’t accept who you are then a lot of things were ruined for you. ‘’did you try to do it? bring someone home?’’ he wondered and at the mention of girl friends only sighed. ‘’I never even considered going out with a girl. it’s… I don’t even know how it is, I’ve only ever been with guys. I knew I’m not attracted to who I’m supposed to be attracted and I didn’t want to push it,’’ he tried explaining, nibbling on his lower lip. at least joe still had the ability to laugh, he thought. as long as he had that, he might be okay. ‘’you can always talk to me. I’m good at listening. and I do like you, you seem like a great guy. if there’s anything I can do to help – now or five years from now, just say it and I’ll help,’’ he smiled another one of his reassuring smiles and reached forward to clean off with his thumb a small spot of icing that joe missed. ‘’you’ll be fine, joe. you will.’’

"it's nothing i'm not used to." he shrugged his shoulders lamely. it was incredible how many people actually accepted him just the way he was … and then there was his father, the one person he cared about the most. the person he looked up to as a child. he fucking wanted to be like him, and now this. "well, boobs don't do the trick, so it doesn't really matter. and i got a whole bunch of friends out of it, he just … they just don't realise what all of this is doing to me." it wasn't a big deal, it wasn't anything he couldn't handle, it just looked like he wasn't going back home anytime soon. "bring someone home? are you joking?" he couldn't help it but laughed in his face, "you obviously don't know what's it like to have an idiotic father. he'd beat the shit out of me again, and then he'd probably cut that certain someone's cock off, too." it definitely wouldn't be pleasant watching his old man flip again, so he never risked it. he had guys over, but they were always his school mates and came over to geek over call of duty, then they supposedly left, but climbed back through the window to spend the night. when he thought about it now ... he was extremely lucky they never caught him with someone dick down his throat. "you're a really good person, levi. you … you helped a bunch already … a-and you share your cupcakes," he paused to shove the rest of it into his mouth. "so … what do you wanna do now? if i recall correctly you own me for the night."

‘’yes, but what I’m saying is that you shouldn’t be used to it,’’ levi replied while taking another small bite of the cupcake. he always ate slowly, with patience, enjoying each mouthful. he adored food, loved going to restaurants. it was something he picked up from his parents. ‘’so you’ve actually been with girls? slept with them?’’ he frowned. it was almost unimaginable to him. he never even considered the possibility. to try it, to force himself into being attractedto girls. in the back of his mind there was only ever the realization he’s not wired the same way as other boys and he tried to accept it ever since. when he came out to his family, that’s when the final acceptance was made. ‘’of course they don’t. they… I’m so sorry. I feel like giving you a hug, but I know it won’t help,’’ he lamely admitted looking down at the remaining cupcake. ‘’you’re incredibly strong, joe. to put up with all that,’’ the words were quietly murmured and probably a little incoherent since he was looking down and speaking under his breath. ‘’well, as long as I share my cupcakes,’’ he smiled slowly looking back up. as if cupcakes really did save everything. ‘’I don’t have a plan. I just wanted to talk to you. but we can do whatever we want, I guess? so, um, is there anything in particular you’d like to do or should we just head back home and watch tv? I’d be okay with that too.’’

note: tole lahko kar zaključva.
v bistvu je lahko moj post zadnji if you want hh

"of course. kids in africa shouldn't be hungry or homeless either, but guess what, they are. i can deal with stuff like that and i already see it getting better. and if that means i can't ever go back home, i'm okay with it. i … i just want a normal life," he smiled a shy smile, thinking about where he'd be in a couple years. with a degree, hopefully, maybe even in a serious relationship. he might even stay in finland, or go to france. he wasn't particularly attached to london, even england for that matter.

"with girls? hell no. i just took them out a lot. i … i never slept with a girl, i kissed one or two, but that was all i ever did. i haven't even …" he paused sharply, his cheeks flushed at the thought of what he was about to say: "i only had sex once." today was obviously the day of sharing his little secrets, luckily it was only levi, and joe's gut told him he was trustworthy, so why the hell not. "oh, believe me, hugs help," he chuckled then, trying to make it look like he was joking. although he maybe wasn't. maybe he'd like getting a hug from him. or numerous hugs. "tv sounds good, actually." god, he was so thankful for him at this moment. growing up he didn't have many friends, that were just like him, to hang out with, and now … here in finland, he just felt so good. so happy and free.

he didn’t smile back. of course joe was right. there were many things going on over the world that shouldn’t be going on. and the world was not a fair place. he knew that. levi… he was lucky he had a great supportive family. he was lucky they accepted him and were ready to open their minds more fully. it wasn’t easy for them either but it never crossed their minds to kick him out. much less beat him up. ‘’at least you’re old enough to live on your own. you can… get an apartment or move in with your boyfriend. they can’t do a thing. they can’t force you to change who you are,’’ he eventually nodded and then cracked a smile at the mention of sex. ‘’it usually starts with a series of awkward hand jobs and blow jobs. not everyone is comfortable with the idea of, um, you know, sticking your butt up in the ear and giving someone that kind of a control,’’ his voice got more quiet, because despite having experience in the field, he was still occasionally shy when it came to talking about it. it was easier with joe. they were practically two sides of the same coin. he stood up, leaving the paper plate on the shelf and offered a hand to joe. ‘’you’ll get plenty of hugs in the following days. come on. let’s go home,’’ he pulled him up with a smile and then patted his shoulder – he could trust him, they could trust each other. it was beautiful, really. and they left. to watch tv. simple as that.

this is done.