location; somewhere in the main hall
tag; ben

it was a bit weird, standing on the stage, waiting to get sold. she was a bit scared no one would buy her but, thankfully, someone did. she didn't really saw who because she was blinded by the stagelights but she was probably in good hands. but it was also fun being there and backstage, looking at the other people who were auctioning themselves and she was pretty shocked when she also saw lucia there. she would never thought she was brave enough to stand on stage in front of a big crowd.

she was kinda shocked when she found out that ben bought her. why would he spend money on her after what happened between them? or why would he want to spend the whole night with her because it will be, for sure, awkward? "hi." she said a bit more sharply than she intended to. she was still a bit hurt because he just left after she told him. just like that, he disappeared. she wasn't ready to let go. or maybe she should, for the best, for not ruining their friendship. which already was kinda ruined. you can't just tell a friend you like them in that way, especially if you're not sure if they like you back. but she would be lying if she said she didn't enjoy his company or his attention towards her. just looking at him was far beyond great.

the auction was finally over and he was somehow happy he managed to buy isra. okay no, that sounded wrong. he managed to get some time with her was probably a better way of saying it and besides, it was true. he had a feeling she was avoiding him. which was also somehow his fault because he really shouldn’t walk away like he did, but he couldn’t help himself. he had no idea how to react. but it was time to sort things out and even though it might not turn out well, he knew he owed her that much. at this point he was just standing awkwardly on the edge of the room, waiting for her. was she even going to come there? or will she just… walk away? he was nervous. he wished he’d smoke more cigarettes before this but now it was too late and he just had to wait. he sighed, messed up his hair, looked around and then he noticed her. there was a tiny smile on his lips but then she greeted him and her voice was so sharp that he was quiet for a couple of second before he stuttered ”hello,”. he had no idea what to do or say and it was weird because he used to be so comfortable around her and then he sighed. ”I think… we need to talk, isra.” he looked at her and frowned a little. ”are you… are you angry with me?”

she sighed and walked towards ben, who was standing at the edge of the room. she had to spend the night with him, that was the deal so she couldn't just walk away and honestly, she wasn't so bitchy - she would never leave him alone at some kind of a party, he would be too lost. and he already 'sacrificed' something to even go to the auction and buy her. he really wasn't a social or a party guy. the sharpness in her voice didn't only surprise him but her also. she didn't want to talk to him in this tone. "oh, so now you want to talk?" she said with her arms crossed over her chest without even thinking about it first. fuck. she had to stop letting her tongue being faster than her mind. it never ended well. at first, she didn't answer his question because he probably read between the lines of her words but in the end she decided to say it. "i am. a bit." she knew she was being unfair, he did nothing wrong - or at least he shouldn't be the one blamed, he just didn't know how to handle the situation. but she was too stubborn to let it go. it was probably in her genes, she was always stubborn and now she experienced alec's stubbornness. she took a glass of some drink from a waiter that just went by and she drank it all in her first sip.

”I don’t…” he started, wanting to object to her words and make sure that she knew he always wanted to talk to her and to be there for her, but then he just figured it wouldn’t do anyone any good. so he remained quiet, shaking his head a little to show her he wasn’t going to finish that sentence. ”isra, just, listen to me, please?” he didn’t know why he made it sound like a question now, but it didn’t even matter. ”I know you’re upset. I know you’re angry. you have every right to be. and I’m sorry, if that changes anything.” he couldn’t deal with situations like that easily. it was nearly impossible for him, but he forced himself to go on. ”I just… your words were not something I’d ever expect to hear,” he stuttered and frowned a little, clearly still confused because she actually said them. ”and you know I like you a lot, but I like you… you’re like a sister to me, isra,” he finally said it out loud, he finally admitted it. and she deserved so much more. and she was so amazing. she will find someone special, he knew that. but at the same time he couldn’t say it out loud, not now. ”and I’m really sorry if I hurt you, that was… that was never my intention…” his words hung in the air as he pushed his hands in his pockets. he was nervous. scared, even – he didn’t want to lose her.

as odd as it sounds, he looked so cute when he was confused and he had no idea what to do or say. she did shut up and listened to him as he asked, without showing any sign of the battle going on in her mind. does she listen to her heart or her intellect? she didn't want to follow any. she didn't want to just accept how he felt about her and move on with their friendship and she didn't want to be rude to him and ignore him. he did apologize, not exactly clarifying for what, but she decided to take it as an apology for him running away from her like that the other day, because he had nothing else to apologize for. she rolled her eyes. he had to say he likes her and as always, there was a 'but'. she knew he didn't like her in that way, way before but she was blinding herself with lies and fantasies, believing that maybe he'll change his mind. it was ironic, the only time she develops a crush on someone, she gets friendzoned. "it's not your fault, ben. i should keep it to myself. because now i ruined our friendship thingy we had going on." he probably wasn't able to look at her in the same way, knowing she had a crush on him. she sighed and with a slight notice of sadness in her voice, she said: "i guess this is the closest i'll ever get you to a party."

”I shouldn’t have reacted that way. I shouldn’t have just walked away and all that, it was mean and it was cowardly and all that,” he cut her short in a second and then frowned when he realized what he did. he meant his words, though – it was true that he acted like a complete idiot the last time they saw each other. ”I’m sorry. I really am,” he repeated again because a part of him felt like it was the only way to fix this whole thing. if he says sorry enough times she will forgive him. if he says sorry enough times things will be normal between them, without the awkward pauses and stolen looks. ”and you didn’t… you didn’t ruin anything, isra. I just never figured you see me like that,” he admitted honestly because really, he would never expect anyone to see him like that. he was never the first choice, never appreciated, never… never anything. pullittogetheryouidiot. ”it’s just that… and you deserve so much better anyway,” he was stuttering again, trying to make everything sound so much more normal and easy but it was hard and complicated. his hand was messing up his hair again when he looked at her and cracked a tiny smile. ”I just wanted to talk to you and it seemed like you were avoiding me,” he explained his presence at this whole auction thing, even though it was obviously that it scared him a little.

it was mean and cowardly in her opinion too but she just kept quiet because she didn't want to hurt him. like it was easy to judge your own actions and saying it was mean but hearing it from someone else was for sure more painful. "don't... don't apologize." she leaned back on the wall of the hall and closed her eyes. she didn't want him to continue, hurting her with every word spoken even though he didn't want to, it did hurt. that's exactly why you don't fall for someone. someone always ends up hurt. "ben, i did ruin our friendship. not a lot but i still did. it's not like i can take back my words and make you forget how i feel about you." it was going to be awkward for a long time. he'll always see her as... what? there wasn't a word for this. she was just someone who had a crush on him and he knew it. "...you deserve so much better." this words pulled her out of her thoughts. "i deserve better? ben, if i deserve anything, i deserve way less than someone like you." she did want to continue  but she would get too much into it and it would be so awkward. he was special to her and she needed nothing more. maybe she was confident and everything on the outside but she did have low self-respect and she thought she deserved only a little, if anything. "so this is like a pre-party before we go celebrating that i didn't fail my class?" she teased him, fancily avoiding confirming that she actually was avoiding him since their last conversation.

he just frowned when she spoke and then he hesitated for a little while before he blurted out ”but I really want to fix this and I don’t know how to, isra, I just… I can’t lose you.” his voice was probably as shaky as his hands at this point, but he was honestly terrified of losing her, she was one of his closest friends and he was so glad he had her in her life and now this was like a bomb and he had no idea how to even behave around her anymore because he didn’t feel about her the same way she did about him and maybe he should just let go of her, but he couldn’t, she meant too much to him. and she was right, he couldn’t just forget about the fact that she liked him and then he couldn’t help himself but wonder what did she see in him but it wasn’t like he was going to ask because then it might turn out to be something he wasn’t at all and it was just… complicated, yes. ”isra…” he shook his head gently at her words; she deserved better, she totally did, but this wasn’t the time for this conversation anymore so he focused on her next words instead. ”well technically we can do anything you want to do. does that sound okay?” he smiled a little at her; carefully, but also somehow happily. he liked spending time with her.

"you're not the one to fix this. i ruined it, i need to fix it. but i don't know how." she said the last sentance quietly because she hated being without any idea how to fix it. it was embarrasing, and true. she didn't know how to fix relationships. she couldn't fix her relationship with alec and now she couldn't fix her friendship with ben. but his last words, about losing her, did get to her. and the way he said it, with his voice shaking. she had no idea she meant so much to him, she had no idea he was actually scared to loose her. she wasn't anything special, just a spoiled child who had a crush on him. "actually, we do what you want, you're in charge tonight. you bought me, so you're the boss." she said and smiled. she pushed the sadness and her feelings aways, as she always did. there was no space for her feelings, they weren't important. "soooo, do we stay here and have fun or do we go somewhere else and also have fun? what do you say boss?" she literally didn't care if they stayed here in the main hall with a bunch of people neither of them knew or if they go some place other. it didn't matter, as long as she was with him. she cought herself thinking, admitting to herself she would do anything for him. she'll always have the weak spot for him.

he was quiet now. just for a couple of seconds, but it was probably obvious how very much he wanted this to work between them, how much he wanted it to be normal and how very hard it was because he didn’t know how to do that. that was why he loved math so much. it was always easy to solve; you managed to find a solution one way or another and it was okay; you were done with it and it was the best feeling in the world. right now… right now he didn’t know how to solve this thing between them. ”but we… we will work on it, okay? we will make it work, we will fix it,” he stuttered quickly, trying to assure her (and also himself) that it will be okay. it had to be. but he relaxed a little and then smiled when she spoke again. ”okay, I don’t like the sound of that, it sounds… it just sounds wrong, don’t you think?” he mused now, still feeling a bit unravelling around her. he wanted things to be normal. it wasn’t that easy. ”we could go somewhere else. you can take me to one of your parties,” he chuckled and then got serious. ”or maybe not. we could get some alcohol and a cake. I want a cake,” he smiled and titled his head. ”or any sort of food? it could be fun? are you hungry?”

her mood was quite bad at the moment and she had no idea whether to be sad or at least try to have fun tonight. part of her actually didn't want to party and get drunk tonight which was something new to her. she was used to drown her feeling and sorrow in alcohol, she wasn't the type of a girl who would go crying for every single bad thing that would happen. "yeah, we will work on it." she reassured him and silently sighed. she was never good at solving problems and fixing relationships, she lost the faith in it, she didn't really believe they could make it work as it used to. it was just something beyond her abilities. "well, as you take it. it can sound wrong." she smiled at him. he was like too cute to be real. stopthatisra. "i don't know about any for tonight except for this one." she pointed at people in the main hall. she did know about some parties going on at this very moment but she really didn't feel like partying and some part of her wanted to have cake and alcohol now ben mentioned it. "cake sound delicius. damnit ben, now i really want some!" she giggled. "i'm not really that hungry but i'd love some sweet dessert or something. are you hungry?" she asked and looked around a bit. many people came though this school events weren't so visited.